i am so confused. it's frustrating and frightening. i will attempt to deal with items one thing at a time.

let's start with the first ex. to work on letting go, i've been working more on forgiving him for the things he did in the past, and to forgive myself for things i have done in the past. using this technique has allowed a lot of my anger to dissipate. i still feel it towards his parents, and that will take time for me to forgive, bc i feel very bitter about that. i made the conscious effort not to think about him, and i had even forgotten his birthday. even i was surprised. with time, i am getting over him. slowly, but surely. i am trying to give myself the time and patience i need to get over this. while i do wish it was over, i choose to deal with reality, and the truth is i am still working through it.

how do i know i'm still working through it? bc i still keep in touch with my second ex, via friendship (although i keep it distant, bc i still am interested in him), and there are times i find myself thinking of my first ex. i dont mean to, but i do compare the second one to the first. i have had moments when i talk to the second ex and feel pressure, desperation, and fear to get away. these feelings are telling me i am not ready yet to go back into the dating/relationship process. i also feel very confused, bc i'm trying to get over the second ex, as he just wants to be friends. i still am attracted to the second one, yet i could not bring myself to grow up and let it go. i needed and still need more time. and instead of realising it and telling him the truth, i kept the relationship going and kept thinking i am over my first ex, when it wasnt true. the second one realised it and wanted to remain friends, but nothing more. i can understand that. i didnt do the right thing in not telling him, nor in deceiving myself of the truth. i did it anyways, though. to avoid dealing with the pain. there are times i think of my frst ex, of good times, and i smile and i feel okay with it, that they are just memories, and he is my past and i am living in the present. other times, i miss him so very much. i keep trying to justify my feelings, telling myself he was my best friend, we really did love each other, etc. sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice in not choosing him, and choosing my religion instead. there are times i feel guilty for turning him away. as though i abandoned him and our love. as though i am being selfish. why does religion matter? yet i know i had to be true to myself, and for me religion is a way of life. if he didn't understand and couldn't accept that, then i would never be able to accept him as my husband. i also knew that it was pointless in dragging this all out, because the faster we both got over each other, the more we could grow, and the better it would be for us to find other people who are better suited to us. it doesn't hurt me to think of him with someone else, someone he could be truly happy with. i want him to be happy. there are just times i wish i could pick up the phone and just ask how he is doing. if everything is okay. i still care for him very deeply. i'm sure he hates me for choosing my religion instead of him. i know i made the right choice, and mayhaps i will see the good part of this choice when i do marry a muslim man. right now, however, i see what i have lost. it is more challenging for me to see what i have gained.

i am also pitying myself. i like to sit back and think, oh, he must be so miserable, still thinking about me, or still loving me, but he needs to move on, bla bla. in realisty it is I who needs to move on. he was so naive. he was so very many things. and he never wants to speak to me again. he doesn't want to be my friend. he wants nothing to do with me. i suppose it is easier to forget. having the second ex, i can understand. i can understand why my first one chose to walk away. i forgive him for choosing not to be friends with me, bc of the pain.  the other pitying aspect comes bc he's been with me since first yr uni. i'm not used to being so alone...i've always had him, or some guy. i miss the company. i miss the warmth. i miss his touch. he used to massage my hands with his fingers. he treated me with care, like gold. he was patient with me and taught me so much about life, unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion. sometimes it's still hard to believe he's gone. forever. it's so final. and i feel the hole in my heart. one consolation is that the pain is not as deep, nor as strong. a fair amount of my animosity towards him has receded. now it's more sadness than anything else.

with my second ex, it's like going through the steps of the first ex, but i'm behind a step or two.the denial i went through. i have accepted that it is over between me and him. but i am very very angry. the anger stems from the hurt. the hurt that he doesn't love me, that he doesn't want me, the hurt of rejection. the hurt of wanting someone and not having them. the frustration at myself for not understanding that sometimes we are not made for each other in that way. frustration at not being more patient with myself. it's also frustrating bc i wanted him a lot, but bc i was in the wrong time (still trying to deal with my first ex), even if i was really interested i would not have been able to pursue a relationship. my instinct told me no, and i ignored it. i went against all the warning signs. i wasnt paying attention. and now, it so stupid, but i find myself thinking, what if he gets with another woman? i dont know if i could watch that. i know that i need to find the strength to accept that which i cannot change. in this case, his mind. he doesn't want me as his wife. that is the reality. so why am i still thinking about him?

i believe i am still in girlfriend mode, not wife mode. that is why i am struggling with these men who are ready to be married. i am the one who is not. the child in me is. but that child has not morphed into a blossoming young woman yet. she still needs time to grow, time to learn, time to become who she really is inside. i feel stupid, bc i feel as though i am behind, and i should be grown up by now. i feel as though i have let down my parents, and myself. but i have other aspects about myself i can be proud of. challenges i have overcome. behaviours i have changed. i am growing up, but at a different rate. and there is no real rate. it is a distinction made by adults. just because you turn eighteen does not make you an adult. just because you may be over 60 does not mean that you are wise. just bc i am 24 does not mean that i am ready for marriage. it means that i am starting to seriously think about it. i am realising the benefits and the challenges. i am recognising my resistance to marriage. i do have one. a very strong one. i am afraid. terrified. it was this fear that held me back from the second ex, among other things. i suppose i feel as though i have such a good life here with my family, and i cant imagine leaving. to live with another man? to have children? only if i feel for him and am willing to be with him could i do that. only if i really really love him. its silly, but there you have it. and i dont mean lust, or sex. i mean the real love from the heart and the soul.

i'd type more, but i'm so exhausted...to be continued for another day....

well, well. things have certainly been crazy. i want to keep this short and just clear out more thoughts so that i can concentrate on my exams.

my second ex was being rude a bit, and i told him gently he wasnt allowed to get away with it. while i sent my mssg by txt, this elicited a reaction of him txting me, emailing me, and calling me within 24 hrs. and he doesn't live in the same city. lol. i dont pretend to understand men, i just accept them. either way, i know that i'm not ready for a relationship now, so even if he changes his mind, i know i'm going to say right now, no.

guys at work have been paying more attention to me. two co-workers have been trying to be more friendly and impress me. that's a first. it's quite surprising for me, as usu the only way ppl have tried to impress me in the past is by how smart they are. now they're trying to be smart, funny, like gaining my respect not only on an intelligent level but on a potential level. i never realised i could just relax and not try so hard. just being myself is enough. i'm starting to like this.

two guys came to work. one was married and trying to set me up with the single one. bc i was at work, plus i had decided to remain single for now, plus the married guy had told me he was trying to tease  his single friend so he didn't mean anything by it, i never realised they were serious when they were joking for about half an hour about asking me out. that was another first. it was like the whole wingman routine. i've never seen it in action, and i've never had it done to me. wow. i had never thought of myself as being worthy of that technique. it was very interesting. what amazed me the most was these two guys were around 30, and were in managerial positions. they were seriously looking to settle down with someone. well, the single one was, lol. i realised i gave off those kind of vibes while dealing with them. i like that. that is the impression i want to give off. but it amazes me that men in managerial positions had no problem asking a girl out when she's a sales clerk. not everyone is stuck up. mind you, i think they went into teasing mode and then slowly became more serious. but i must admit i am feeling flattered and excited. even if i said no, just the fact that i was considered was thrilling. and once i get over the initial shock, i realise i will still treat each candidate who comes at me as unique, and really identify what it is i'm looking for and decide which candidate has those qualities. i also feel that for future times when i am asked out at work, i can tell tehm that due to my position of serving them i respectfully decline, however my break is at such-and-such time and i am usu in this cafeteria. i still stand by my choice to be single. but if they want to be friends i will not decline that offer. for me, being friends before being a couple is the best route to go.

what else i realised is that age or position at work makes no difference on your growth and maturity. you could be mature at work but be immature at home, or with your friends. we all grow at our own stages. what i realised for me is that i was mature at work, but not in other areas of my life. so i am spreading my abilities at work to other parts of my life. and i am doing better. and i am more relaxed and happier. i truly hope God helps me keep it this way. i do not want to go back. i want to grow and learn and experience what life has to offer. i am letting go of the innocence experience, the self-centeredness i had as a child. yet i wouldn't have it any other way.

 

once i stepped onto this path of being more conscious of my life, i feel as though there is one realisation after another. i wouldn't say it's overwhelming, but it is a different education, a different enlightenment. i feel so peaceful, so right inside. more than that, my soul feels better.

i realise how i am very good at avoidance. i have used any trick i can find to deceive myself of truth. as though if i dont admit it, i can't deal with it. lol. like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. nowonder when i made my half-hearted attempts to "help myself", it didn't help. i only touched the symptom, not the root.

more and more i am happy my ex broke up with me. he took the steps that i could not take myself at the time. i need my space. i needed to be single. i still do. but i clung to what i "should" do, bc he was a good guy, and no one in their right mind would let them get away. that isn't the way it works. even if he was the guy of my dreams, if the timing isn't right, then it isn't right. and for me, the timing was off. way off.

thats' why i struggled with the relationship. i knew i wasnt ready. i had told him i wanted to be friends only, but he subtly pushed, and i let him in when i wasnt ready. then i couldn't handle it. it goes back to the self esteem issue. living with integrity. if i trust myself, then i know what is good for me. which means i stand by those decisions that are right for me. so if i know i'm not ready, even if someone is pursuing me, if i know it isn't good for me, i say no. i have that choice. always.

i am also having issues letting go. of both exes. it's awkward. i remember the good times with my first ex. i can still think about him in such loving terms. but i also know he betrayed me. i want to forgive him, so that i can move on with my life. but i am not sure how.

with the second ex, it is hard because i want him back. he is someone i have true potential of being with. and he is what i want. but he doesn't want me. the question is, what do i do about it?

well, what are my options?

1) i could try to get him back right away.

2) i could work on myself first, then blindly try to get him back.

3) i could work on myself, then make a strategy to get him back and implement it.

4) i could work on myself, let the idea of getting him back go, and continue to be friends with him.

5) i could work on myself and take him out of my life.

pros/cons:

1) a lot of cons. since i'm not ready myself for the relationship, i'd prolly have to use devious methods to get him back. they may work short term, but i would still be the same person and inthe long run it prolly still wouldn't work out. i would have learned nothing and come right back to where i am now.

2)the working on myself part is very smart. the blindly going after him is not. a major con here is by the time i am ready to go after him he may already be with someone else. i could lose him. i dont want to lose him.

3) i like this idea. i can work on myself, because i am not looking to change him. i am looking to correct my limiting beliefs and to build up my self esteem. while it was what he said that spurred on this change, even if i try to get him back and he still says no, my changes i am adopting will not go away. with or without him, i still want to live consciously (which is why it's easier for me to implement my changes when he's not there). then once i feel better, and more ready to be in a relationship, i can make a strategy to subtly show him i'm not the same person, and that if he is interested in the improved me, perhaps he will come forward and want to try again. if he does, at that time i will be ready, bc i know i am not now.

4) this is not a bad idea either. however, this involves me letting go of the idea that i could be with him. i do not like the idea of letting it go. i do like the idea of friendship, however. i am a lot more comfortable in a friendship position than in a relationship position. slow is good for me, and it builds trust and love. i tried to fake the intensity of my feelings for my second ex, and i couldn't do it. partially bc i still care for the first one, but also bc it wasnt there for the second ex the way it was for the first ex. it's hard for me to just open up my heart and trust right away. esp in the connotation of a relationship. ideally i would like to be friends with my husband before taking it into marriage. plus, here there is always the possibility that we could be friends and then it could grow into something more. a challenge here would also be being friends with someone when i'm attracted to them. i feel as long as i am aware of how i feel, and can separate my actions from my feelings, then it will be okay. but easier said than done.

5) i do not like this option bc i want my second ex in my life. what worries me is am i feeling that desperation that i have to have him in my life, and whether as a husband or as a friend matters not? i am concerned because i still care about him, so i want him there, yet i am questioning if having him there is a wise decision. so far, i see him as another responsibility. as a friend, i can handle it bc it doesn't require much. as a husband/marriage candidate, i'm not ready for that right now. i need to learn how to handle the responsibilities i already have. i cannot add another one to the mix.

bottom line, as much as i want him in my life, i can only  have him playing a small role right now. until i am ready to have any man playing a larger role in my life, i cannot be close to him while i still have feelings for him. or if i am willing to attempt it, it means that i would have to have iron willpower, and be incredibly aware of how i feel, yet acknowledge that he doesn't feel the same way, and never will, and i need to accept that and get over it.

i'm not ready to do that. i can't bring him closer just yet. even if i tell myself, yes, i want to be his friend and i will forget my feelings, i am frightened of trusting myself. which means i have to be very careful what i say around him. how i let him in. ideally what i want to do is build up my own level of self-trust before i tackle being his friend as more than just a once in a while, how are you? type of thing. but i also know that it is hard to stay friends when the contact is little. but i really need to do what is best for me. and right now, more than making him a close friend, is to take care of my responsibilities and my self esteem. thats first priority. that includes my family and my friends. i certainly hope he still wants to be friends, but i can understand if he doesn't.

i also want to tell him, i need my own space, then i'll feel better being friends with you. i feel more fair that way. yet i wouldn't have told other ppl that if i was being friends with them. i would have said nothing, done my own thing, and later would have tried the contact. if it worked, great, if it didn't, then it didn't. why is it so important for me to have him as a friend as opposed to anyone else? bc i'm letting my feelings influence my decision.

but to be fair, if it was a friend i cared about, and i needed space, i would tell tehm. the way i told one friend i needed space for finals. but that is different. i talk to her every day. him i don't talk to that often. so that shows i'm grasping at straws here to find an excuse to talk to him. bc i miss him. but i am the one who isn't ready. i so need to mature.

ok, enuf of this. i will need some time to think about this. i'm leaning more towards number 4, but it's close with number 3. i will continue to take my time, and my space, and let things progress as they go. and stop being so female and worrying about it all! lol.

well i have some time to go through my feelings and get rid of my headache. How do I feel?

confused--my good angel tells me it's good not to contact my ex to be friends as long as i do not feel okay with it. my bad angel tells me , hey, go ahead, what harm will it do? more harm than i can imagine. i realised i want him back. i also know i need a strategy to get him back, because right now he will say no. i would say no too, bc i can see in myself i am not ready yet. before i contact him, i want to feel comfortable with the fact that i still have feelings for him, but that i am not going to act on them, and i am waiting for them to fade. i want to feel okay with talking to him and being friends, but not having him think that my world revolves around him. i want to be myself, more at peace and relaxed with who i am.

my strategy to get him back is sure to work. the only concern i have is that by the time i can implement it, he may have found someone else. i tell myself that if it wasn't meant to be, he will find someone else regardless of what i do. and if it is meant to be, then he will remain single.

the strategy is simply this: i'm going to let myself grow up. i believe i struggle with myself because i dont want to let go of being a child. i dont want to accept responsibility. i dont want to live consciously. but yet i want a family, a husband, my own life. the two together is a recipe for disaster. and so i have decided to let go. i am assuming more responsibility. i am being more self-aware, as well as aware of my environment and who/what is in it. i am being more open to life and its challenges. i am letting myself believe that i am a good person who deserves to be loved, to give love, and to be happy. this will take time. it has only been two weeks since my transformation (as my parents like to call it). i am happier with my change. i know i am taking the right steps to becoming a woman and a better person.

i am frightened of what i may find out about myself. but i would rather know who and what i am than be kept in the dark and not face and accept myself. only then will i be able to love myself, thus letting others love me and giving them love in return.

so far my strategy is working well for myself. in the other aspects it is going well. i even went to the gym today (hurrah!). i'm not sure how it fits in with my ex. surprisingly, i am frightened of dealing with him. i feel as though he will see through "my cover" of trying to seem like a balanced individual. i feel this way because although i am on the road to higher self esteem, i have only been practicing for two weeks, so i still feel the old pangs of "pretense". when i think of talking to him, i feel worried that i will fall back into the same pattern. thus, i am postponing talking to him until i feel that i am ready. that way if he puts subtle pressure on me, or if i feel as though there is pressure, i am ready to respond by dealing with reality. either the pressure is in my head, or if there is some, and i am not in agreement with the way it is going, i will stand my ground and stick with my beliefs and my limits.

i am applying these principles with my friends. i talk for a little bit and then i let go to do my work. i am still a little behind on schoolwork. however i am convinced that with some focus and a lot of coffee, it can still be done.

i realise i am concerned with what others think of me. i feel as though if i can impress them, it shows i'm a good person, and that i am lovable. the irrational logic is that if they love me, surely i can love myself. it should be the other way around. if i love me, then i can let others love me too.

it's odd, the limbo state i am in. i am practicing my beliefs, and i do feel better about myself. however, the old negative self-depreciating talk is still there. the internal messages are still being said. but i notice them now. i recognize when they are said. by the "bad angel". it's a good sign that i hear them. i will continue to listen to what is being said. then i will look at how to counter it with positive messages, or by stopping the negative ones before they occur.

i feel uneasy with talking to my ex because i am afraid. he already said he doesn't want to be with me. but he still wants to be friends. i would like to be friends also. ideally i would like to be more than friends, but he doesnt want that and i respect his decision. i am not going to attempt to change his mind. i am merely going to work on myself to improve who i am. however, i feel awkward trying to talk to him. i feel comfortable talking to him when i need something. it's easy because i feel professional, businesslike. but to just be friends is harder. i feel guilty bc i feel as though i am using him. however, when i try to be friendly to compensate for the "using", i feel as though he thinks i am pursuing him.

i want to just be myself and relax. yet i feel fear of being who i am. i feel he may see me as vulnerable. i do not want to get hurt. yet i don't feel comfortable being the "super friendly" or the "super charming". i'm trying too hard.

being myself doesn't necessarily mean i am vulnerable. i can still speak like myself and be strong. just becasue i feel a certain way does not change who i am. it may change my behaviour a little. but it does not change who i am. i am shy. i get nervous talking to guys when i like them. that is okay. i can learn to still feel shy but act the way i would. it is like an interview. i may feel nervous and excited but i still remain calm and in control. i stay within limits to being nice and kind, and caring, but not to the point where i need to have the person to want me or like me. what i am doing is not proving myself. i am sharing myself with other people. i am letting them into my life.

despite all this, i still feel ill at ease when i think of talking to him. the truth is, i want to be friends, but i dont feel ready. i'm scared i'll make a fool of myself. i'm scared he'll see through me. i dont want to mess it up. but i dont feel ready. i dont know how to keep incontact with him while still building myself up. i'm frightened of how i feel. i'm frightened of not being in control, of letting my feelings overwhelm me. but practice is what will help me a lot. however, only when i feel ready to go into it and use the skills i am acquiring. or the skills i already have but have not really used. i want to hone my usage of the skills before i try them on him.

i am also frightened of loving myself. i've never really loved myself before. i'm frightened of trusting myself. do i really deserve to be loved by someone else? Yes, i do. my place in this world is appropriate. i belong here. i have a purpose on this earth. i have a place in the community. i also have a place in my family. i do belong, whether i choose to see it or not. i am not an imposter. my qualities are real. i am not pretending to be someone. i am choosing behaviour that i want to adapt. i am making changes within myself. i am adjusting to be more in line with my beliefs, my needs, my morals, my principles. i have a right to make that shift. it does not change my fundamental core of who i am. rather, it adds to it. it enriches me as an individual. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have no reason to feel guilty for who i am. i have a right to be here. i belong exactly where i am.

i feel as though i have many awkward situations to sort out. i have made a lot of mess in my past year or so. i need to re-evaluate my week, and how my changes have been going so far.

family: things have been great. i've made an effort to be nicer to them. i listen to them. i let them speak. i interrupt less. i let them tell me what is important to them. i give them the respect and courtesy they deserve. if they need anything, i take care of it right away. i offer more to get them something, ask them how they are feeling.

home chores: so far so good. been taking care of my room, being more neat, more organized. taking more responsibility with respect to my household chores. being more responsible with regards to eating dinner at home, helping out with small tasks. doing more so my mom does less.

exercise: went twice, which averages to once a week. ideally i'd like to go 3 times a week, but even once is good. feeling much better going to exercise. regulating mood better, feeling more perky.

school: not going so well. i've been catching up on everything else that schoolwork has fallen behind a bit. i still have time to catch up, but it will require work and dedication, and focus. i can still get As in my courses, as long as i work for it.

volunteering: going well. a few items to iron out, like communication with the prezes from the committee members as a matter of respect, and reasons for not being able to make it to events. other than that, it's going well. i'll be playing flute and singing at the event for the geriatric floor at the hospital. i cant wait!

friends: have been mssging them a bit more often, mostly jokes, and keeping it light. trying to cut down my time with them so that i can get my other duties done. work before play is the new motto.

self-esteem issue: since all of these contribute to overall self-esteem, it has been going well. reading the book whenever i get a free chance, and i've been understanding the way i think affects my whole life. the tools i do not have right now are hindering my growth and success. but it can be built up and maintained. i have the abilities to build it up bit by bit, and to maintain my self respect.

new things i learned: self-respect is not just about liking yourself. it's about knowing that you deserve happiness and love deep down inside just like anyone else. and i never believed that. it's also about practicing the beliefs you have. i never really practiced what i believed, which compromised my integrity, and thus decreased my self-respect. to respect myself, to believe i deserve happiness, i need to do what is comfortable for me, and love myself. i stand by what i believe in, and i stick to my commitments and my word. and i need to build up my self esteem before i make any moves to a relationship. if i dont feel i deserve love, then no one else can love me either. and my thoughts are lies. i am deserving of love, from myself and from others. i am a good person. i'm not perfect, lol, but overall i'm on the balance of good. and i'm proud to be me.