I am currently enduring a broken heart for the first time. What I believed was going to be forever, was nothing more than a shallow relationship that I look back on and think... well honestly I don't know what I was thinking. This wasn't spur of the moment, it was a long time coming, and I just decided to step up and be the one who ended it... but I thought it was just a threat, not a soon to be reality. I wanted to make him THINK he was going to lose me, so that he would shapen up and be the man I wanted him to be... I will never make that mistake again.

We met when I was 14 years old, and he was 17. Our best friends just happened to be brother and sister. From that point we always would hang out at the same house together, but rarely talked to each other. As I turned 18 and went to college, I never really saw him too often except for gatherings at the "best friend" house. It wasn't until one night when I went out and ran into him in a club (should've realized it back then) that we started to take an interest in each other... and a few short months later I was in love...

My story was nothing like a fairy tale. I have many great times that I spent with him and many memories that I will cherish forever, but I kept a lot from my friends and family because I was so embarassed of what I had allowed myself to go through... The verbal abuse was unreal, and the physical abuse never went past a push or to get in my face and scare me because he is an office of the law, and that was the most important thing in his life... and not even hitting me was worth losing that... It's so sad to put it like this. I can't believe I spent the last year and a half with a man that I gave my all to... and got zero respect in return

I've been a wreck for the past few days. I kicked him out last wednesday, and I haven't seen him once since then. I thought when I kicked him out that  he would realize what an idiot he was and come running back to me and fix everything that was wrong with him. But for the first time, I threatened to kick him out, and he left. He just walked out the door without putting up a fight or anything. We were both just worn out by the relationship. There was constant fighting and bickering, I know I turned into the "nagging girlfriend", which I had never been before, but his infidelity caused me to not trust him. In the back of my mind because I had known him for so long before we dated, I just kept convincing myself that he really was a good guy and he really was trustworthy... I was blinding myself.

This past weekend I packed up what little remained of his stuff after not talking to him all day, and I decided to call him and try to meet up with him. He didn't answer his phone, so I decided to just stop by his Mom's house... and he wasn't there. It was 2 am, and he wasn't home. In the pit of my stomach I knew where he was... and I decided to follow that feeling for the first time. I had been dealing with an ex-girlfriend of his that was still in love with him. A while before we broke up someone had showed me the street she lived on because they thought it was funny that her street was the same as her last name. No matter how crazy it may have seemed, I just knew I had to drive by and see if he was there...

That night was the worst night of my life up to this point... It was now 3 in the morning, and I'm driving down the street, not knowing which house was hers, but only knowing my ex's very identifiable truck... well needless to say I discovered which house was hers by seeing that truck in the driveway. It was now clear to me... I knew there had been issues with this girl before, but never had they been infront of my face like that. I decided that this was the breaking point for me. I placed the stuff on his truck and sent him a message telling him that I know why he's not answering, and I know where he is, and that he can find some of his stuff on his truck..

I drove home and cried for about two hours before falling asleep. The next morning he didn't call me until about 11 to let me know that he had gotten the rest of his stuff out of our apartment... he didn't sound apologetic about doing anything to me. He actually tried to turn everything around on me and say that I didn't give him any space and how I nagged and drove him away... I told him that's bull shit, and if he was really in love with me like he had said so many times before, he wouldn't have even THOUGHT about another woman, let alone start sleeping with one. I knew that because I am in love with him, and I haven't thought about anyone else yet... for many reasons, but mainly because I know that I'm not in a state of mind to really give myself to someone fully, and I wouldn't want to make anyone else go through what I've gone through... I'm going to give myself time to heal.

I've spent the past week crying for hours every day. I thought about all of the good times we had together, about our future he had planned, the amazing qualities in him that I feel like I will never find again... but then I thought about all of the negative things... about how he would demean me infront of others, he would be controlling and mean, he treated me with no respect... but as much as I've thought about those reasons to try and remind myself of why I can't be with him, I couldn't help but think about all of the good times.

I truly feel bad for him and for "her"... He's clearly not taking the time to mourn the loss of me. Although he may not have been the best to me, I don't have a doubt in my mind that he really loved me, and I know it's going to hit him one day when I'm gone... but unlike that "stain on the carpet" ex-girlfriend of his that's just been waiting around like the stupid little bitch that she is, I won't be waiting here to take him back...

Even though it's just been a few days, I haven't been scared of allowing myself to feel every emotion to the full extent of my heart... I know it's ok to cry, I just have to be strong when I get back out there again. We live in a town where I know I'll be seeing him and his friends, and I can't allow myself to look like he's affected my life in anyway... I feel so strong right now, and it's only been a few days... I just hope the rest of the day goes like this...